A Less Shitty Union: A Sneak Preview of Trump’s State of the Union Speech

By Jeff Cahlon

Anticipation is building for the State of the Union speech that President Donald Trump will deliver on January 30. The following is a leaked draft of the speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of Congress, distinguished guests: One year ago, I was inaugurated before the largest audience to ever witness a presidential inauguration. Although the fake news media claimed more people watched Barack Obama’s inauguration, that was only because they were counting millions of dead people who illegally watched Obama.

At the time, the state of our union was one of massive carnage from sea to shitty sea. The state of our union was so bad, it made Haiti look like Norway.

Today, it has never been more clear, our nation is on the path back to greatness. Not even the fakest news media can deny that, just one year after my inauguration, America is a little less shitty.

Through it all, what unites us as Americans has always been greater than what divides us. Most importantly, we all share a love for the greatest nation in the history of the world, the shining city on a hill, the land of opportunity.

But enough about Norway.

We have done so much winning in the past year, we would all be sick of winning, if it were possible to be sick of winning. Fortunately, winning is something that you can never get tired of, like eating cheeseburgers in bed after an exhausting four-hour work day.

Because no president has accomplished more in an entire term than I did in just the past year. I even signed into law the largest tax cut in American history. And that is just counting my own.

Even greater has been my foreign policy victories. I probably even have a good relationship with Kim Jong-un.

In fact, you would be surprised at some of the relationships I have. For example, I am pretty sure I once met Tiffany Trump.

Because I understand that, to succeed as president, it is not enough just to be a very stable genius. You also need heart. Fortunately, I have a heart that’s as big as my button.

My heart is not only as big as my button, it also works just as well. In fact, I was just examined by my personal physician, who determined that I am not only the healthiest president to ever sit in the Oval Office, but also that I am in better physical shape than most Olympic athletes. There can be no doubt my doctor’s evaluation is correct, since he is a graduate of the esteemed Trump University School of Medicine.

All the winning we have been doing is even more impressive considering I have had to overcome the opposition of the many enemies of the American people, from fake news CNN to a fake book by Michael Wolff. So I want to take this opportunity to refute some of the totally false claims made against me.

First, I did not refer to Haiti or any African country as a “shithole.” I was talking about Chicago!

I have great love for Haiti, actually. It is a terrific country with tremendous potential. In fact, I have decided Haiti is the perfect place for my brand new business venture: Trump Huts.

Even more unfair is the accusation that I do not respect women. I am a strong supporter of the “MeToo” movement. So I am pleased to announce that I will make my own generous donation to “MeToo,” one that I will believe they will find highly useful. They should be receiving my roll of paper towels any day now.

One claim against me I admit is true is that, when Roger Ailes suggested that John Boehner serve as my chief of staff, I responded, “Who’s that?” But I thought he said “Eric Trump!”

The fake media all have one thing in common: They make money by knowingly saying false things. This should be totally illegal as not only libel against me, but patent infringement!

Before I wrap things up, I would like to make one more announcement. Immediately after this speech, for one night only, Sean Spicer will return as my press secretary. Sean will hold a special press conference to announce that this was the greatest State of the Union speech ever delivered.

Sean will not be taking any questions, but if anyone would like to ask me anything directly, you know where to find me: in bed eating cheeseburgers.

Thank you, and God bless America. And also, of course, Norway.

About Jeff Cahlon 7 Articles
Jeff Cahlon is an attorney and writer in New York. He writes political and social commentary and satire. Jeff has had over 40 articles published on over a dozen different websites and has been named a "Top Writer in Satire" on Medium.